When my college girl was little, she was the most meticulous child you could imagine parenting—something she definitely did not inherit from me.
She shared a room with her not-so-meticulous sister, and her side was always in tip-top shape: loft bed made, desk organized, books stacked in color coordination, clothes neatly put away. She knew where everything was and even joyfully volunteered to organize cabinets and cars around our home.
But around 9th grade, that meticulousness began to fall away.
She started losing things. Piles appeared on the floor. The bed left in a lump after a night’s sleep.
My husband and I felt baffled. This wasn’t a one-off messy week. It was a noticeable shift from the girl we thought we knew.
Instead of staying irritated—especially when she’d stomp around upset that she’d lost something again—I tried to step back and ask myself:
What’s underneath this behavior? What is she telling us?
Here’s what I came to understand when it comes to parenting youth.
First, her brain was changing. During the teen years, the prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for planning, organizing, and decision-making) takes a back seat to the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain). In simple terms: organization and logic temporarily lose ground to big feelings. It isn’t “just hormones”—it’s brain development.
Second, she felt overwhelmed. This was her first year back to in-person school post-Covid. After two years tucked safely in our nest, the world suddenly felt big and demanding.
And third—this one I was quietly grateful for—she was loosening her grip on perfection. While she never said, “I need to be perfect,” I could feel the tightness inside her. It seemed exhausting. I valued her organization, but I didn’t want it to rule her life. I wanted her to develop internal flexibility.
As parents, when we can move beyond our own emotional reactions and look more objectively at our children’s behaviors, we often discover where we can truly help.
In Our Workshops
We see this all the time in our groups.
To an outsider, certain behaviors can look annoying or irritating. If you only scratch the surface, that’s all you’ll see. However, when we look deeper, there’s almost always something tender underneath—and that’s the part we hold empathy for.
For example:
You might see a girl laughing loudly and constantly looking at one particular peer. On the surface, it can seem attention-seeking. But often, this is a girl desperately wanting connection, hoping to be liked, doing the best she knows how to build a friendship.
Or you might see a girl racing to grab a seat and calling out someone’s name to sit next to her. That can feel frustrating or exclusive. But underneath, you may find a girl who finally feels she has a friend—or is afraid of losing the one she has.
Here’s the catch: the very behaviors meant to build connection often push others away.
The loud laughter can be interpreted as “pick-me” behavior. The seat-saving can break group agreements about inclusivity and openness.
So what do we do?
We teach.
We help girls learn healthier, more effective ways to build the connection they’re craving.
One lesson. One workshop at a time.
Back to the Long Game of Parenting My Girl
Today, I’m proud to report she keeps a tidy-ish college room. There are clothes on the chair—but mostly put away. She’s earning great grades. She hits the gym to move big emotions through her body. She’s balancing classes, friendships, and fun.
In the bigger picture?
She’s doing just fine.
So this is just a loving reminder to look deeper at what your child’s behavior may be communicating. Get below the surface. Tend to what’s underneath. And be careful about catastrophizing a season of growth.
More often than not, they are going to be just fine.
Here’s to growing Wise Girls and Youth!
❤️ Sierra
