Best Advice on How to Parent
My daughter is growing up. Everyday she steps more and more into being a teen. In fact, this morning I made her an iced coffee in her Class of 2025 tumbler. She thanked me and said it needed more ice. This is a first for me. While I know what she likes on her bagels and how to prepare eggs she’ll eat, iced coffee is new. And so is just about everything as I move into this frontier of parenting. Luckily, I understand girl human development and can sit back with some ease as I watch her morph day by day.
With over 20 years of studying child development, naturally, I’ll have parents come to me worried about their daughter’s stage of development. Is she moving too fast at age 10 or too slow at age 15? Parents worry about their daughter’s lack of interest in friends or over-interest in dating. Parents feel concerned about their daughters zealous interest in make-up or total disinterest in appearance. These concerns often come from a comparison of two things.
1. How the parent was at their daughter’s age
2. What their daughter’s peers are doing
Development Falls on a Spectrum
I want to let you know their development falls on a spectrum, just like when they were babies. Some potty trained super quickly while others were painfully late. There were kids who walked at 9 months while others crawled willfully until month 15. Yes, there could be areas of concern at these ages. However, often times, parents would panic as a result of what the kids in their mommy and me playgroup were doing only to find their kid was actually right on schedule….their own schedule.
Many parents meeting with me will hear me say, “You’ve got to parent the child you actually have, not the child you thought you would.” This is a pain point for some parents who anxiously want their daughter to have tons of friends, be at the top of their class, or be a star of their athletic team. When this comes up, I’ll ask parents where this desire is coming from. And you guessed it! It comes from 1 of 2 places.
1. How the parent was at their daughter’s age
2. What their daughter’s peers are doing
Making the Connection
When parents make the connection of where their anxious feelings are coming from, they begin to see more clearly who their daughter is and what is actually ok for her. Parents can step out of the rat race and accept, love, and work with the child they actually have. Because let’s be honest, who each of our daughters are is exceptionally beautiful in their own unique ways. We want them to be authentically who they are and not shape shift as a result of parent or peer pressure. We want her to be confident and self-loving. In addition, we want her to develop in her own way, reaching for the stars, and be accepting of who she is.
If this self-accepting, self-loving, confident, reach for the stars kind of girl is the daughter you desire, I’ve got great news for you parents. It starts with you. Accepting, loving, and encouraging the daughter you have, not the daughter you thought you would is the path forward.
Here’s to growing Wise Girls! 
Interested in getting the best on advice on how to parent when it comes to younger kids? Then check out Parenting From the Inside Out by Dr. Dan Siegel. Also, feel free to join our book clubs where we focus on great reads with the best on advice on how to parent older girls including Lisa Damour’s books Untangled and Under Pressure. In fact, you can join our book club waitlist by sending me a message here.
